people-pleasing, let's not :)
the relationship between people pleasing, self-abandonment, and not getting what you want and how to course correct ♥️🫂
here’s what i’m covering in today’s letter in case you’re short on time :)
- how self-abandonment shows up in my practice and tools for getting more alignment
- scripts for how to approach healthy boundaries with grownups the same way millennials are parenting our kids
- 2 divine recipes: a potsticker inspired chicken patty my client turned me on to and a taco casserole sitch that everyone in your fam/household will be psyched ab
- my client’s outrageous pho dupe
i’ve been meaning to write this one about people pleasing and self abandonment and how to break the cycle in the context of taking good care and nutrition because it comes up in my practice a lotttt, and has been coming up since i first started seeing clients, but something’s stopped me… i think because the topic is so important to me i wanted to be able to do it justice. what i mean here is how issues around setting healthy boundaries make it hard for us to communicate about what’s actually best for us with the people we love, care about and/or want to like us and feel accepted by.
when i think about people pleasing and people pleasers, the people who grew up wanting desperately to be accepted and not abandoned (me), i feel a deep fondness. when i’m on the other line with a client and they start telling me about how things fell apart because they were worried about how it might be perceived if they ordered differently than their dates/friends/family, or downregulated when they needed to, or chose not to drink or split dessert if it didn’t feel aligned in the moment, i’m called to do the little sign language symbol they teach the kids to do at the liberal arts schools (a surfery hang ten sitch). same same same same SAMEEEE.
so it’s not like i don’t get it, and even though i have done a tonnnn of work on my own relationship to people pleasing in this context, i certainly find myself slipping, most notably lol when i broke my arm in jan i was omw to meet a friend for a walk. i was so mortified when she found me on the ground in the street (mind you this is a good friend of mine) i played it off and WENT ON THE WALK for like a full hour, carrying on like it was nothing before heading to urgent care. i truly just felt lame and ashamed for falling, and delayed getting the help i needed, so if you’re reading this nodding your head, i really do hear ya! and if you’re reading this feeling like wow i don’t relate (people without mental illness do exist among us!) i still think it’s helpful because you prob know one of us.
the other thing i just wanna say because sometimes things can get over therapized in popular culture and then we as a culture can kind of take therapy stuff too far (the term “self care” became so overdone, it’s now a parody of the word it was meant to represent - and if that hits home at all, read my essay for Spread the Jelly ! (it’s one of my fav things i’ve written) anyhoo what i’m trying to say is yes, people pleasing isn’t great, and boundaries are important, but i’m not recommending we should all be low effort in relationships, or to rebrand bad manners as boundaries. in fact, let’s really protect healthy boundaries as a term and a practice because damn they are important!
i feel deeply fired up about having healthy boundaries when it comes to taking good care, so here are my tips for doing it in real life: